The Power of Effective Listening
By Kay Christopher, MA, EFTCert-I
As Published in the Newsletter of the Austin Chapter of the American Society for Training and Development (ASTD)
As much as 70% of our waking time is spent in some form of communication, making it one of the most important skills we ever learn. In school we usually are educated for 12 years in writing, 6-8 years in reading, and 1-2 years in speaking. However, there is very little taught about another very significant aspect of communication: listening.
It is easy to assume that because we are hearing someone speak we are listening, but truly listening is more than the physiological process in which auditory sensations received by the ears are transmitted to the brain. Effective listening requires being nonjudgmental and empathetic, and giving the speaker a high quality of attention that encourages them to continue communicating. While we hear all we are physically capable of, we choose whether or not to really listen.
Many people consider the speaker to have more power than the listener. However the French philosopher Voltaire once said, "When I listen I have the power. When I speak I give it away."
Contrary to what it may seem, listening is not passive: it is active. It requires focused awareness and the use of more than just our intellect. In order to really understand someone we need to listen for content and for feeling. Also, by observing the speaker's nonverbal body language we can often pick up additional cues regarding their communication. In order to listen most deeply we can learn to listen with our whole selves: our ears, eyes, heart, mind, and intuition.
The meanings of words are not the same for all people; in fact two people may think the same word has a very different meaning. An example is the use of the word "boot" in "boot up the computer". Someone who is not experienced with computers might wonder if that means to kick the computer instead of knowing that it means to start up the computer. The meaning is not dictated by the words used by the speaker. The meaning for the listener depends on the their interpretation, emotional mood, and experience.
Effective listening has many benefits. It can save a great deal of time and trouble by helping avoid mistakes and errors. When we listen well we retain more information; problems are solved more effectively; a sense of trust and honesty is established in relationships; people are encouraged to feel open to share their ideas, thoughts, and suggestions; and stress and tension caused by misunderstandings are reduced.
In his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People Stephen Covey encourages us to "Seek first to understand...then to be understood". Other people are much more likely to listen well to us if they sense that we have already understood what they want to say. Our response will be more fitting if we have listened empathetically and sincerely tried to appreciate the other person's point of view. We can improve our relationships with others when they feel we deeply understand them.
Why is it that we sometimes listen ineffectively? We may be busy formulating our response while the speaker is talking, and as a result miss their communication. We may have judgments and biases that interfere with really hearing their message. Perhaps we are tired, very hungry, or there are distractions in the environment that make it difficult to pay attention. Or maybe we are experiencing strong emotions, either positive or negative, that interfere with our listening ability.
Another cause of ineffective listening is unskilled use of "time lag". The average person speaks at about 150-250 words a minute, but is capable of listening to between 300-800 words a minute. This means that there is some extra time that we can choose to use any number of ways. If we are not listening well we may choose to daydream or think of unrelated things. However, if we want to use time lag wisely, we would instead stay focused on the conversation and summarize in our minds what the speaker is saying.
By becoming aware of the quality of our listening we can work to improve our skills. Key points to remember are:
- Effective listening is very powerful and constructive
- Give the speaker your undivided attention and avoid being distracted by your own thoughts and feelings or by the environment
- Listen with your whole self: your ears, your eyes, your heart, your intuition
- Seek first to understand others before you try to get them to understand you
© 2001, Kay Christopher, All Rights Reserved.
www.KayChristopher.com